Remember

Yesterday was a gorgeous day here in Nebraska.  We were all outside working and playing and just enjoying the day.

While outside, my oldest daughter was stung by a bee. I didn't see it or hear the screaming but three other children came to share the news (with varying degrees of dramatic flair). I waited for her to come to me because we have been helping her work through seeking help from her parents.

I waited 5 minutes... nothing.
1 hour... nothing.
2 hours... 3 hours... 4 hours...

...finally, in passing, she says "it's swollen."

Acting oblivious, I asked "what is swollen?"

"I got stung," she replied.

"I am so sorry babe, let me see it.  Let me help you."

Then I asked why she decided not to tell me. She responded with an all too common belief, "I just have to deal with it,  I just have to deal with it."

I have heard that so many times from her and my response is always the same.  "No!" "Babe, you don't have to 'deal with it.' There are children that do have to 'deal with it,' and they are called Orphans, but you are not one of them. You are not an Orphan. You are my daughter."

Almost six years home and we are still regularly experiencing situations like this.

It's orphan mentality and the rejection still hurts
.  So thankful Jesus shows me exactly how to handle the rejection.  He knows it all too well.

I somehow believed that if I stayed home with them, put in my time, did some hard parenting for five or so years that some relief would come. I believed that we would have healthy attachments and life would be easy. Guess what?  We aren't there and nothing seems easy.

Out of my three adopted babes, one has a pretty healthy attachment but the other two seem far from it. My flesh wants to be so angry. I feel entitled to a healthy attachment after all this painful work.

This morning I was up early, begging God to give me joy going into this day.  I went over all the ways we need to grow as a family. I felt very overwhelmed.

Then, God started to flash moments and memories of hope and movement in the hearts of my children. Lord, help me remember all that you have done.

Remember when she asked for a hug.

Remember when she apologized.

Remember the letter she wrote saying she loves you so much.

Remember when he was honest with his words and tears.

Remember when he stopped eating and was content.

Remember when he let you serve him with a big smile on his face.

(and the list goes on and on)

How could I forget so much?  Lord help me remember!

I keep asking God to soften my heart to this life He has called me too. I feel pretty hardened to it all. As I pray for myself, feeling the weight of the burden, I am brought to tears and compassion for all the adoptive parents out there that said 'yes,' and now are in the throes of rejection.

I ache for you, adoptive Mama, that can't sleep at night.

I ache for you, who have lost friendships over this choice to adopt.

I hurt for you, Mama, that is rejected day in and day out.

I hope for you, Mama, that goes again the next day to win the heart of your child.

I feel your pain, Mama, that has lost her physical health over the stress of your new life.

I ache for you, Mama, who feels like she has intruders in her home.

I know how hard it is to chase a child down the road, over and over again, as they run from you. All you want to do is love them, and they run from it. Rejection is painful. I feel your pain.

The cost is great when you decide to adopt or foster.
To willingly open your life to so much grief is a big deal.  I applaud you Moms and Dads! You amaze me, and there is much hope for us.

I have lost much but, the gain has been so much greater, MUCH GREATER!! This place of sorrow and grief has driven me to confront my own orphan spirit, which drives me straight into the arms of Jesus. Don't be afraid in the pain to get help of counsel. Jesus is with you and near to you and He will speak.  

I have gotten into the practice of conversing with Jesus all day.

"Jesus lead me."

"Jesus what do I say now?"

"Jesus how do you want me to feel?"

"Jesus how do you see this child?"

"Jesus what do you want me to do?"

When I ask him, the most amazing thing happens. He leads me all day long. He is so patient with me as I fumble and fall. I just keep asking for more.

I am so needy but, I have been met with one of the hardest and most glorious realizations of my life: He is not annoyed with me. He wants to hear from me. He loves me.

I have always struggled with the notion that God is an annoyed father when I come to him. It was a huge step forward when He so tenderly showed me he was the opposite.  He is a father waiting for me to come and ask.  ( Hmmmm....seems like I may relate to my oldest daughter a lot more then I thought.)