I switched some laundry late last night and went to bound up the steps and a waft of human pee smell hits my nose. Unfortunately, this is an all too familiar smell. I immediatly scream 'Noooooooo!' in my heart. 'NOT AGAIN!' In the last year, our youngest has had many heart issues coming to the surface and it has been difficult. Now, don't get me wrong, it is good for these issues to surface no matter how hard it gets. He has chosen to use pee to hurt us in many circumstances. He is upset with us so, of course, he thinks 'lets find a place and pee.' It makes perfect sense, right?So, of course, I can't sleep last night I want to get him up and yell 'WHY?!' You see, each day has been an incredible struggle to love him through constant fits, yelling, destruction, lying and manipulation. I have found that with each heart wound we face with the kids, it tends to trigger a heart wound of my own.
But, there is beauty in it.
I have become a puppet of the most High Puppeteer. I am so dependent on Him. Even more than before. It seems I can't do even one thing until He leads. Tone of voice? Ask Him to add the sweetness. What do I say? Ask Him to give the words. What consequence? Ask Him for divine wisdom. How to hold them? How to pray? New ways to love them? New limits? I'm so incredibly dependent. The Bible is our handbook and the Holy Spirit guides us. I don't like being this weak but, this is exactly where God has me.
Another stream of light piercing this darkness
My oldest beautiful daughter, who has brought me to my knees more than anyone ever, has sat back and watched me deal with these difficult situations. Sometimes she watches with tears running down her face as I hold an almost seven year old as he kicks and screams. She has come to me twice, and through hard sobbing, apologized for doing the same thing to me. This is something she has not been able to do, ever. I think she sees my love for her as I do the same for her baby brother. This is a huge breakthrough for her.
Hope for him, from HIM
Today I ask God for Hope. Not hoping that my son will change. Not hoping that he'll stop peeing in weird places. Not hoping that I will do it all right. Like many days before, today I cry out 'Lord I don't want to do this!' 'Jesus change me, change him.'
But, I asked for this life. I even begged God for this. I am living my 'dream.'
So, today I cry out today for the hope that comes from knowing that God is eternal. That the steadfast love of the Lord endures forever.
Hold onto Hope
So today I hold onto HOPE; Hope in my heavenly Father. That HE is the same yesterday, today and forever. I hope in His love that it will never fail. I hope in the great Puppeteer that will guide my every move. I hope in Jesus, and that it is enough.
Hold onto hope, there is a day that is soon approaching when the weak are made strong, hold on.
Trust in His love even when the night feels like forever, the morning will come, hold on.
-Benjah
Hold onto Hope -Benjah Lovd ones
