He whispers, it is all for Me.

Finally!! I am writing an update, it has been over six months I think. Many joys and sorrows in the last months.

Adanech- My oldest, my beautiful, my daughter that daily takes me to hard places and makes me cry out to God for His wisdom. As Addie has grown to trust us more she has shared more about her past and it is full of extreme trauma. It scares me, it breaks my heart and as her mother I carry her pain and it drives me to my knees. She still struggles with authority and trust and she is a full time job and I am often very frustrated, but God has given her to me and I trust Him. I say out loud often throughout the day, sanctify me Lord. I often hold her face and say I am committed to you and you are my daughter, there is nothing you can do to change that. The fear is overwhelming and at times I truly believe the lie that I cannot do this and Jesus whispers, it is all for me. This is not for you and this is not even for her, this is for Me.

Marya- I remember as a child when I would be giving my mom a hard time she would say, someday you may have a daughter like you and you will know how I feel. I would think, great that will be awesome! Well..............???? I do have a daughter like me and she is hard hard hard and I do love her. She loves hard, she gets angry quick, full of drama and loves the outdoors and animals!! She wears me out!! She is still very patient with her sister as I daily have to spend much time shepherding her heart. She is encouraging to her. I had to explain slavery to Adanech for the first time and both girls teared up. Marya ran to Addie and said, you are my sister forever and I love you so much. I love that you are brown, you will never be a slave. It made Addie smile through her tears as she was trying to figure out why anyone would be a slave based on color. I struggle with fear as I think of raising Marya to adulthood, but Jesus whispers, this is for me.

Abreham- So much progress with this little guy, who started our life together kicking and screaming. He is moving forward emotionally and he has no anxiety with food at all anymore. He still loves loves to run and play outside. We still have far to go but I love watching him heal. We watched video from Ethiopia this last week and we have some of him screaming and he says, mom I do not like that. He is very difficult in school, meaning he has a very hard time understanding and remembering and listening and I spend most days trying to stay calm and patient while I want to rip my own hair out with frustration. And then Jesus whispers, it is all for me. This is not for your enjoyment, this is for My glory alone.

Ezra- Just as I write his name I start to tear up. He is such a joy in the midst of all of this. He is sweet and quiet and does not demand. He comes quietly to me and hugs me and kisses my cheek. He will say mom, I love you. It is like he can tell when I am struggling. He is also so funny and just like Jake, peaceful and corny!! He loves school and smiles as he learns new things. He dresses in very funny things and I love just letting him do his thing. He is obviously not perfect but overloads me with joy each day, I cannot get enough of him. Jesus whispers, this is for me. Find your joy in Me!!

Petros- Oh Petros, what do I write about this boy!? He continues to grow and get big and he is so heavy. He loves people and is very affectionate and each day looks at me and says mom, me love you, mom, you pretty. His speech is getting a little better but it is still very hard to understand. He still falls all the time but seems to be getting stronger and to be able to run faster. He also just lately has very little anxiety with food, which is huge because he had so much anxiety at every mealtime. He is still delayed but he is a miracle. I get frustrated as I want him to move forward more quickly but it is going to take a lot of time and patience and sanctifying on my part and Jesus whispers, this is for me.

Jesus whispers, I love you enough to daily push you to death of yourself. Death to my flesh, death to my selfishness, death so I can find true joy and contentment in my Savior. This road is so hard and I am constantly falling on my face, it is not pretty what is coming out of my heart. Some nights when I am tearful and scared and wanting to run from all of it (especially homeschooling) I remember my dream of living a life that was daily pushing me to total abandonment of being a mother to the motherless. To willingly walk into very dark dark places with my children that hurt so bad. To choose to love them even when I do not like them. To be able to see God work because I know that this is an impossible task for me. I am selfish, unorganized, def not a teacher, so I get to see God do miracles!! As scared as I get and as tired as I get, I would rather be doing this then not doing this, if that makes sense.

Jake, is still the most amazing father. He is a champ each day and is so full of grace and love. our children adore him and he is making a difference in their lives. Leading them to Christ and teaching them His truth and love, not only through his words, but his life. Jake also loves that he has five kids that are always laughing at his jokes!! Jake and I continue to fight for a Godly marriage and I mean fight for it. We got to go to Lake Tahoe for our ten year anniversary with our good friends Josh and Katie Reynolds. We got married in the same month and were in each others weddings. We had a great time and it was good for us and a good break from the kids. We split the kids up to three different places.

As Jake and i struggle in our marriage and continue on in the fight, Jesus whispers, this marriage is for me. I sit back as I write that and take a deep breath. It is so peaceful to remind myself of this truth. My life is not my own, my children are not mine and my marriage is not mine. I can trust the One that is worthy of all our worship.

love love
Jen