Friendship part two

I believe that I am hard person to be really close with. I love to make friends and I love to be there for other people but it is very hard for me to show my pain to anyone. It is even hard for me to show my pain to Jake. If I show someone the real me, will they care enough. I always want to appear tough, which is so not true. When I feel pain I like to just say, run it out girl or rub some dirt on it and never really deal with it. With that said, I have been pondering a lot what it means to be a true friend.

I have always said that your closest friends say a lot about you as a person. So I often take a step back and look at my friendships and I try to really water the ones that I want to keep up. Because with me moving all over the place, like I said, it takes a lot of work to keep friendships up. I love people hard which makes it very easy to get hurt. I love Jake hard and I love my friends hard and that has made me vulnerable to hurt in these relationships. What I mean by loving hard is, loving aggressively and strong. I don't just kind of love them, I love them hard, does that make sense? I guess I am just kind of an aggressive person, trying to be more gentle.

My goal is to love people without expectations. To love freely even if they do not love back. To show my pain and be real and to continue to water my friendships so they do not die. The bible says, a friend loves at all times, that is heavy stuff.

Friendship is such a gift, it teaches us so much about ourselves, good and bad. I am beyond thankful for the friends in my life, new and old. I just get so emotional about it. I just want to run through a field of wild flowers with my friends and we will all be wearing hippy dresses with flowers around our heads and we will lay in the tall grass and hold hands and laugh and cry together.

the webster definition of friend

friend-one attached to another by affection or esteem

Friendship part one

I love friendship, I love being with people!!! Before I graduated high school I went to four different schools. After high school I have moved nine times. With that being said, I love to make new friends. I have friends all over the USA and I love that. BUT I so often wish I just lived in one place and that I had friends so close that they knew everything about me and I knew everything about them and yet we still would love each other. With all this moving I not only get to meet new friends but I have to constantly leave friends. I often feel forgotten by friends. It is hard to keep up a good friendship at a distance, you have to really work at it. When you move to a place where you do not know anyone it is humbling. Humbling how much people don't care about you and humbling how quickly people forget about you. This is not a pitty party, it is just how it goes. Through all of this I have been on a journey to truly learn what it means to walk so closely with JEsus that I never feel alone. I will tell you that the only way to learn this is to be alone a lot. I am getting glimpses of it in my life, glimpses of such sweet fellowship with Jesus that I do not feel lonely. IT is so precious and such a gift. I will probably be writing a few posts on friendship, I have been thinking about it a lot.

Soup Recipe

This is for you Jess!!

RANCH BEAN CHILI

1 lb lean ground beef

3/4 cup chopped onion

1 tsp. minces garlic

1 medium green pepper, chopped

1 each small sweet orange, red and yellow pepper, chopped

2 cans light red kidney beans, rinsed and drained

1 can chili beans, undrained

1 can diced tomatoes, undrained

1 can tomato juice

1 1/3 cups fresh or frozen corn

1 cup water

1 envelope ranch salad dressing mix

I like to cook the beef with taco seasoning to spice it up a bit

*In a pot oven, cook the beef, onion and galic over medium heat until meat is no longer pink; drain. Add peppers; cook and stir for 3 minutes. Stir in the remaining ingredients. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat; cover and simmer for 15 minutes.

*I like to eat it with a little cheese and tortilla chips, it is very pretty to look at with all the peppers in there.

We love any kind of chili at our house, we eat it all the time.

The Love of a mother.

As I am cleaning the house and picking up after the kids, my daughter is disobeying me behind my back. It makes me want to scream at her and say, WHY DO I DO ANYTHING FOR YOU, YOU ARE NOT THANKFUL, YOU JUST TAKE AND TAKE AND TAKE!!!! I did not say that. There are many times a day that I want to scream that. Just as I think this, God reminds me of unconditional love. It is so hard to love with nothing in return, it is hard to love if they do not show love. Yes, of course there are times where we just hug and love on each other but there are many times that I feel very used and I am. This is exactly what I did to my mother. I often find myself wanting to act like a child. when they are mean, I want to be mean back. Being a mother has and will take everything I have to give. Every bit of patience, love, organization, creativity, perseverance, endurance, energy, it will take it all. As I struggle with my flesh God is bringing forth sin and selfishness and it has been so sanctifying. I can only imagine what is ahead. Those of you mothers that have raised kids are thinking, Jen, you have only just started, you better get ready.

I feel beyond blessed to be a mother, it has opened my eyes to so much and I cannot hide from my sin. IT stares me in the face every day. MOTHERHOOD, a life of sacrifice! Yes, that is what it is and I am so thankful for the opportunity. Go MOMS!!!!! Love with nothing in return and expect nothing, NOTHING!! Our mercies are new every morning. The word is the only thing that will satisfy our very hungry and thirsty souls. Go MOMS!!!! Pray like never before. The only hope we have for our children is that God would save them!! God please save my children, change their hearts and turn them toward you. You are my only hope, You are the treasure. Go MOMS!!!

Why Run?

I was sweating, my lungs were burning, my legs were heavy and I thought, why do I run? When did I first run just to run. I used to run because a coach told me to. As I thought back on this I remembered, it all happened after God saved me. There was so much joy in this time and so much pain. Pain of my sin, pain of relationships ending, pain of earthly loneliness. First it was pain that drove me to run and after some time it was joy. Joy of my salvation, joy of new relationships, joy of His presence (I am never lonely). That was when I was 17 years old. Now I am 28 and why do I run today. I run today because of Pain of my sin, pain of earthly loneliness, frustration with life, AND, joy of my salvation, joy of His presence, and to glorify and worship Him. As a stay at home mom, it is the place that I clear my mind, it is a very special time. As long as I am able I want to run. I will never be a great runner but i am so thankful for it. To all my fellow runners, keep it up. I know it is hard to find time, but it is worth the time!! Pain of this world drives me to run, but joy unseen keeps me going.

The fight for joy

Well it has been a while.  There have many delays with this adoption, too many to count at this point.  Each day I literally have to wrestle my flesh to the ground so I can live with joy and live in the Spirit.  I have never in my life had to fight so hard.  The Word is for sure my sword, without it I have already lost this battle.  God has been so gracious and I can see how He is pushing me so lovingly.  Pushing me like a coach that really cares and He cares enough to push me beyond what I ever thought I could do.  I see Him standing on the side of the track and when I run by He is clapping His hands and yelling go girl go, go faster, go harder, don't give in to your flesh that wants to stop and give up.  Every lap, it hurts and it involves some suffering but I am building endurance and I feel like I am running a little faster at times.  Some times I slow to a walk but then I get some encouragement and I am back to running.  Literally I run and when I run I often pray for the children and cry out to God, I worship Him and lay it all at His feet.  Running has been very healing for me through this whole process.  Okay so I am done with running analogy.  NO PAIN NO GAIN!!!

Our case has been reassigned to October, so we will continue to wait and pray.  Cara, Emily, and Paula, thank you for your words of encouragement.  Although I have never met you I feel like I am not alone.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!!  Cara, what did you think of the running bit??

Be Still, My Soul

Be still, my soul,
The Lord is on your side.
Bear patiently, the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to your God, to order and provide.
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul,
Your best your heavenly friend, 
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul,
Your God will undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake.
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul,
The waves and winds still low
His voice who ruled them while he lived below.

Be still, my soul,
Be still, my soul,
Be still.

Those of you that know me, know how hard it is for me to be still.  I am being still today.  As John Piper says, I am waging war against my sin.  My sin of fear and anxiety.  In order to do that I must be still.  When I say wage war, I mean wage war.  This is war!!!  I have fear coming from every direction I will not let it take over.  I choose to believe the voice of truth.