A New Place

We are getting close to four years since we first brought our 3 children home from Ethiopia.  The memories of where we've been are still clear, but these years have been so hard and so crazy that it seems like a compilation of hard places.

It seems almost weekly I hear of a disrupted adoption or of families in great despair as they try to hang on and love there children through deep heart wounds.  I ache for them. As our family continues on this journey, I am able to feel their pain. It seems to consume every moment of every day. My own wounds have been triggered. There is no hiding from the way I feel or how I react in my most painful places. My heart is exposed. More than that, it has exposed a false view my heavenly Father.

BUT GOD is not leaving me there.

I am asking and He is listening.  I am asking for a more intimate place and He is answering.  I am asking for freedom and He is giving.  I am breaking the friendships I have made with fear, disappointment, and frustration.  I am building new friendships with joy, love, and peace. And patience, of course.  As the years go by, I ask myself, 'Why so much pain?'  Is it because we said 'yes' to three children who are deeply wounded, or is it because I am expecting God to lead me from afar while he is asking me to walk closer to Him?

I am starting to see that the issues are more embedded in the way I view and relate to Christ, and less about how my children relate to me.  He's taking me to these places for a reason.

My days are often overwhelmed with hard moments: uncontrolled emotions, inability to express true feelings, meal-time fear, hurtful words, and awkward hugs that don't quite feel at home yet. In the midst of it, I see Christ summoning me from the end of the church aisle, like walking toward Jake on our wedding day.  I am crying just like I did at my wedding, yet these tears are different.  I am crying with fear; fear to get too near to Him.

Why am I afraid of my loving Father?  On this journey, I often feel like he's a coach, asking me to do hard things from afar. Yet He's not far at all.  He wants to lead me through this from a very intimate place; our secret place.  So I take a few steps towards Him, all the while trying to carry burdens in my own strength. He continues to call me down the aisle. I stop, I stumble, holding onto the pews for support, not sure I can do it.

I know the closer I get the more broken I will be. I will let out deep cries of pain in the safety of his embrace.  I will lose it.

But, what if I don't want to lose it?

I have so many things to take care of, so many conversations to have, and so many hugs to give. He keeps calling me. I want to run but I drag my feet. I take little steps, just like my Addie when I make her practice running to me for a hug.  I am not much different then my beautiful twelve year old that spent the first eight years of her life in constant pain.

Still, he calls me down the aisle.

Sometimes, I run out and leave the church alltogether, trying to find a place where I won't feel so vulnerable. I always end up crawling back up the steps.  I just can't stay away from Him.  The closer I get, the warmer I feel.  Each pew I pass reveals new things in my heart and I have to lay it down.

I have to lay it down.

I am tired of asking God to lead me from afar. I want to be close to him. As my friend Sara Hagerty says, I want to be 'close enough to smell him.'

So, I am going to keep going. I am going to keep asking. I am going to get there. I am on my way.

This is a new place for me.

Adoption Summit

We are hosting an adoption summit.  We are super excited about it check out this website for all the details.
www.447summit.org

Orphan Fever

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DISCLAIMER: I am in no way saying that all should adopt and in no way am I saying that having children by birth is wrong.  This is simply a cry for the orphan and a voice that is often unheard. I have heard them, I have seen them, and I will remember.

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I am surrounded by new babies, new mothers, and the newest baby gear. I see pregnancies, baby showers, baby rooms, baby, baby, baby, and ooohhhs and aahhs over it all.  I see the joy, the excitement, the constant talk about deliveries, the 'natural way' vs. 'epidural all the way' discussion and much more.

I look at pictures of my newborns and nearly tear up every time.  I remember the sweetness, the smells, the overwhelming joy.  I remember the slowness, and all the beauty.  Some days I sit and think about doing it all again. I am surrounded by 'baby fever' and it's just the stage of life I'm in.

However, each time I hear someone talking about having baby fever, or hear such words from my own lips, my heart hurts a little bit.  I hear Christ say, "what about the orphans?" I remember when He first gave me 'orphan fever' and a desire to mother the motherless.  It is not always cute, sometimes scary, and not always full of ooohhhs and aahhs. It is full of moments of "JESUS, HELP ME!" but, even more moments of 'JESUS, YOU ARE SO GREAT!!" and "JESUS, YOU AMAZE ME!!!"  Oh, but it is definitely a place where I hear Him. Not to say that I didn't hear him when my two children by birth were born or even now as I raise them, but it was/is a special place where His voice becomes clearer still.

I am dying to hear someone say "I have orphan fever!" "I long to see Christ glorified in my life and I want to adopt!"  I hurt for my three babies every time I hear the words 'baby fever'.  I hurt because I watch them struggle through the pain of loss, rejection and abandonment. I see them saying "Mom, what was I like when I was a baby?" "Do you think I was cute?" "Was there a baby shower for me?" "Did you still want me even though I was not a baby?" These daily conversations come filled with tears and hugs and an ever-present picture of the Gospel.

We adopt because we have been adopted.


John 14:18
I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.

James 1:27
Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this:  to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

The orphan crisis is crying out for help.  Will you have orphan fever?  Pray, pray, pray!

I NEVER WANTED TO BE ADOPTED!

Every time we move or travel or change things our adopted children regress, which adds to an already stressful situation. So, here we are in the midst of a lot of stress again and Adanech is needing a lot from me.  We have spent hours talking, praying, talking, praying and doing it all again. Unfortunately, through all this I know she is feeling my annoyance and my exhaustion.  I am hugging her often but I know she can feel my coldness. After a very long day with Adanech (I mean long!!!), she shouts at me with all the anger she could. I NEVER WANTED TO BE ADOPTED!!!!!

Now back up three weeks...
We just had moved to Omaha and everything was chaotic. Only half of our stuff was in our home and nothing felt familiar.  Adanech was giving me all the bad attitude she could, in school, at play time, during bedtime and mealtime.  She took every chance she could to roll her eyes at me and to rebel.  It was tiring me out and I was offended. I wanted to act like a child and return the attitude.

As she is yelling this at me as loud as she can, my response is:
"I know baby, I know."

I said "come here", and she did.

I hug her and ask her to go upstairs with me ask her if she wants to yell a bit and beat her pillow. I show her how.  She then proceeds to beat her pillow weeping and saying "I never wanted to be adopted!"

I say again, "I know baby, I know."

When she sits down, we chat about it and how she is feeling.

I go down to get her supper because she wants to be in her room and I bring it up to her.  I then pick her up and she is not little.  I hold her like a baby and rock her and sing a song of love into her ear.

I cry.

She cries.

Then God reminds me that He can love her even when I have no love and am so tired and angry and want to walk away.  He reminds me that in humility I will change.  He reminds me of who He is.  He reminds me that she is my daughter.  He reminds me that I am His daughter.  What a sweet moment and in that moment I feel Adanech and I take a huge jump forward in our attachment with each other.  It is a win people! Once again, we have so far to go but, we just keep going by the grace of God.  This is what I am believing for my beautiful daughter.

Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Although her wounds are many and her heart is in many pieces I believe that she will be healed.

Thoughts after 2 yrs

John 14:18 says:

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."

(What precious, healing, beautiful, comforting words of Jesus)

Two years... WHAT THE HECK, SERIOUSLY?!?!? We made it two years. God is so great, so faithful, so true. HE IS LOVE.

I love this time of year because it triggers so many memories......

First day with the children in Ethiopia:

I am scared to death and so are they. I keep looking at them thinking they are beautiful and they keep looking at me with scared beautiful dark, dark, dark brown eyes. We were outside playing ball at the house where we were staying. Adanech went to the bathroom and after she was gone a while, she came out crying. With the help of our translators Anthony and Yosef we figured out she had gotten into my suitcase and took some of my food and was eating it. She was crying because she felt guilty, so I took her hand and we walked to our room. I picked her up and put her in my lap and we both wept. Not just tears running down our face, I am talking about truly weeping. I wept out of fear, out of sadness for my daughter who has had to fight to survive for so long. She wept out of fear while having no idea how to accept me as her new mother. There were so many emotions for both of us. I was so glad she let me hold her though. After our good cry together(which we have gotten so good at doing that together), we went out to play ball. That was two years ago.

I am sick with bronchitis right now. Saturday, I was the worst and Adanech stood at my door crying because she wanted to care for me. She is full of compassion. She wanted to hold my hand and do anything I needed. She loves me!!!!! and I love her!!!! Two years ago God placed her in my lap as my daughter. I am so blessed!

Back to our first days in Ethiopia:

I had not slept in days (no joke). I was just too excited to get to my babes. The flight had been hard and I was sick with sinus infection so, I was so tired. Jake took all the kids to eat with our friends while I stayed back to take a nap. It took a while to fall asleep and it felt like I had just closed my eyes when I heard some far off wailing. I knew it was one of my babes. I jumped up and when out to the driveway to find my Abreham standing by the vehicle screaming. I said frantically to Jake, what happened?!?!? He said, "Yosi told Abreham he needed to quit demanding from me and say please. Abreham did not like that idea so he thought he would just start screaming. He wanted his back pack but would not say please." And so began our first screaming fit.

Adanech was telling him to stop as she also tried to get the back pack from Jake and give it to Abreham. Yosi kept telling Adanech "all he has to do is say please." So later (THREE HOURS LATER!!), I was in tears. Jake, however, holding strong. He held Abreham in his lap on the ground while Abreham screamed so hard he vomited all over Jake. Abreham finally relented and produced the long-awaited 'Embaka' (Amharic for 'Please') and Jake gave him the Backpack. Then, as if transforming into a completely different boy, he uttered in a very sweet voice, "Papa," and wanted Jake to hold him some more. That was the first of many screaming fits. But, now (two years later), and my boy never screams like that and says 'please' all the time. He is such and joy and as the time goes on I see fear releasing from his sweet eyes and being replaced with trust and love. I love this boy.

Another memory from our days in Ethiopia:

I am holding Petros who has a fever and can barely hold up that head of his. He smiles all the time but, often has the far-off look in his eyes; like he is not even present. He does not walk well and his run is something else. We laughed so much at him and even through all of his sickness he had the best sense of humor. He is still is the funny man. Petros would often lay his head on my shoulder and softly sing. Oh, how I loved it. This little boy was more then ready to jump into our arms and trust us.

I will never forget being at the Embassy and the lady was telling Jake and I that once we signed these papers we could never return these children for any reason. Abreham was laying on the floor screaming because he wanted another kids toy. Adanech was mad at the other kid that would not give Abreham the toy, but just as the lady said this, Petros leaned into my face and gave me kisses on both cheeks soaking me with his snot (keep in mind he had just cracked his head open on the ground). He kept smiling all the while.

Although I was scared to sign those papers, Petros' love gave me courage. Although Petros was sick when we got him, he is such a healthy boy today. He now has one of the strongest immune systems in the family. When we all get sick, he's rarely gets it. I love this boy and he loves people so deeply!

We so often hear these words:

"You adopted them? They are so blessed. They are so lucky you gave them a chance on life."

But here's the thing: We are the blessed ones. Has it been hard? HECK yes! The hardness and the struggle has brought us closer to Christ. What a gift! We as an entire family have learned so much about compassion, trust, love, endurance, patience, selfless love and more love. We are a family because CHRIST has done a miracle in all of our hearts. Christ has taken us to places that were not possible on our own. Christ has broken us, picked up our broken pieces and restored them. Christ has shown us how beautiful it is to be broken and how much clearer we can see His face in that broken place. I cannot imagine our life without the adoption. I don't want to know myself without this gift of love.

So I pray,

"Keep breaking us Lord. Use this family for Your glory. And although we can breathe a little easier two years later, don't let us get too comfortable. Don't let us stray from You God. Thank you Jesus, thank you for all You have done."

Cry Wolf...(all talk)

The love of my life that has stood by me each day pointing me to Christ.

Love my family!

Me telling Adanech how much I love her and how hard our road has been but she has grown so much!!

We have cried many tears together.


I could not wait to get bikes for Adanech, Abreham and Petros. This is one of the first things we did when we got home. It took Abreham all of one day to learn to ride his bike without training wheels. Petros loved his trike but, he was not about to peddle it. He just wanted to be Fred Flintstone. Adanech would get on her bike (even with training wheels) and be very, very scared moving very, very slow. Almost every day she would say to me, "mom, I wish I could ride my bike like Abreham and Marya. I want to be brave like them." I would tell her that I would take the time to teach her and if she'd listen to me and do what I say that she would learn. The next day she would say let's wait one more day. The next night as I put her to bed, she said with a pouty face, "I wish I could ride my bike without training wheels."

So after weeks maybe months of this I said to myself, "we are doing this!!!" This is just how I do it folks. So, I told Addie, "Babe we are doing this. I will stay up all night, but you are learning how to ride your bike." As she started to cry, I said, "look at me, trust me, obey me, and we will do this." Jake came out to help as well. She was screaming and crying so loudly that the neighbors were coming out to see what was happening. I had not even let go of her bike yet. When I would let go of the bike she would fling herself into the bushes or the grass. I would sternly say "listen to my voice, keep pedaling, trust me, trust daddy." Well, after hours of screaming (or Ethiopian wailing as we call it), she learned and was so happy. She could not stop hugging me and thanking me. We made a huge step forward that night in our relationship. It was dark outside and as we were together, I kept telling her I will not give up. "Lets keep going", I said. I questioned if I was doing the right thing over and over. It was a beautiful night for us; full of drama, but a huge breakthrough.

My turn:
Years ago when we started this adoption process, I would sit with God and dramatically tell Him how much I wanted to love Him and learn about Him. I told him that I wanted to need Him and wanted to walk by faith and to be uncomfortable. I had no idea what I was saying. I would sit outside daydreaming of what it would be like to rescue an orphan. How wonderful it would make me feel...hmm. How happy they would be...hmm. I would be out for a run and tell God I want to know you more, my life is so safe. I don't want to live in such a way that I don't need you. Where are you God?
God said "yes my child, I hear you and it is coming."

And so the progression went:

God: "First, I want you to open your heart a little wider and consider adopting older children."

Me: "Ok God let's do this!! I am a little scared here but I want this."

God: "Second, I am going to give you a chance to say yes to two boys......., oh wait and a girl."

Me: "I am starting to feel uncomfortable and I am not sleeping well and my fear and anxiety is taking over."

God: "Here we go my child. Can you trust me can you look to me. Do you believe I am who you say I am."

Me: "I am doing some Ethiopian wailing in my heart and flinging myself in the bushes often at this point.

God: "God says read my word and trust me."

Me "I am insane from my own sin of fear and anxiety. This is not fun anymore!!"

Here we go...

I'm holding my new children in my arms. I am shaking with fear, and as I look in their eyes I see you Jesus. I see you like never before. I wanted this Jesus but I cannot breathe. I can't stop crying; my skin is crawling and I am so scared. When I look at Adanech I feel like a little girl. I cannot sleep or eat. But, Jesus says, "you will not live on bread alone my child." Adanech willingly showing me she does not want me as her mom, willingly showing me she does not trust me, willingly hurting me. Jesus, my sin is ever before me; this hurts so bad and my pride is blinding me. Jesus says, "I am giving you a chance to love here, my child." To love with nothing in return except hurt. I am looking for any chance to bail. The grass and bushes look great. I don't even care if there are thorns, let me off this ride. Jesus says keep pedalling!!

I continue only by the grace of God. I continue with compassion, with tough love, continue hugging and praying with her. Late nights, broken hearts, and miracle after miracle, our hearts bond; and the love is so great it hurts.

Jesus has let me flop around in my own stinking sin like a fish out of water, crying wolf. I wanted so much of Jesus, but didn't know I would have to pile drive my face into the ground to see Him. He has taken my hand and pulled me out of the water as I was drowning, trying to save Adanech on my own. He has proven Himself to never lie and to always be faithful. He has shown me the sacrifice of His love. He has shown me the beauty in being uncomfortable.

Today, two years into holding my daughter, Adanech and I have great respect for each other. Walking down a road that is foreign to both of us, we've become a team, learning to love each other more every day.

Last week, I had just finished school with the kids and fell on the couch with my face down (yes, I am dramatic... not sure where the girls get it?!?!) I felt sweet fingers in my hair and I looked up to see my Addie, smiling sweetly at me. My heart melted. On friday, she walked by me and whispered in my ear, thank you for adopting me. What?? my heart skipped a beat. I said, "my pleasure."

Thank you Jesus for answering my prayers! I will ask you again. I want to know you more.

OMAHA

OMAHA here we come!!!!!! So everyones first question is are you excited? Hmmmmm is a country girl excited about the city, Hmmmmmm? I am excited that God changed hearts. I am excited that God brought unity. As always God is faithful and will continue to teach us about His love and His grace and our desperate need for Him. As my dear friend Kathy says, Aslan is on the move. Omaha was not even on our list of places to move but God answered prayers and here we go.
We do not have a house yet. We are looking and as soon as we find one we will move. Where will we go to church? Not sure. So many unknowns but we do know that we are moving to Omaha that is one big step.
As we have struggled through so much pride and vanity as we have tried to choose a place to move God has really been teaching us that we are not home yet. We should not even try to create heaven here because we will fail.
Matthew 6:19-21