I NEVER WANTED TO BE ADOPTED!

Every time we move or travel or change things our adopted children regress, which adds to an already stressful situation. So, here we are in the midst of a lot of stress again and Adanech is needing a lot from me.  We have spent hours talking, praying, talking, praying and doing it all again. Unfortunately, through all this I know she is feeling my annoyance and my exhaustion.  I am hugging her often but I know she can feel my coldness. After a very long day with Adanech (I mean long!!!), she shouts at me with all the anger she could. I NEVER WANTED TO BE ADOPTED!!!!!

Now back up three weeks...
We just had moved to Omaha and everything was chaotic. Only half of our stuff was in our home and nothing felt familiar.  Adanech was giving me all the bad attitude she could, in school, at play time, during bedtime and mealtime.  She took every chance she could to roll her eyes at me and to rebel.  It was tiring me out and I was offended. I wanted to act like a child and return the attitude.

As she is yelling this at me as loud as she can, my response is:
"I know baby, I know."

I said "come here", and she did.

I hug her and ask her to go upstairs with me ask her if she wants to yell a bit and beat her pillow. I show her how.  She then proceeds to beat her pillow weeping and saying "I never wanted to be adopted!"

I say again, "I know baby, I know."

When she sits down, we chat about it and how she is feeling.

I go down to get her supper because she wants to be in her room and I bring it up to her.  I then pick her up and she is not little.  I hold her like a baby and rock her and sing a song of love into her ear.

I cry.

She cries.

Then God reminds me that He can love her even when I have no love and am so tired and angry and want to walk away.  He reminds me that in humility I will change.  He reminds me of who He is.  He reminds me that she is my daughter.  He reminds me that I am His daughter.  What a sweet moment and in that moment I feel Adanech and I take a huge jump forward in our attachment with each other.  It is a win people! Once again, we have so far to go but, we just keep going by the grace of God.  This is what I am believing for my beautiful daughter.

Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Although her wounds are many and her heart is in many pieces I believe that she will be healed.

Thoughts after 2 yrs

John 14:18 says:

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."

(What precious, healing, beautiful, comforting words of Jesus)

Two years... WHAT THE HECK, SERIOUSLY?!?!? We made it two years. God is so great, so faithful, so true. HE IS LOVE.

I love this time of year because it triggers so many memories......

First day with the children in Ethiopia:

I am scared to death and so are they. I keep looking at them thinking they are beautiful and they keep looking at me with scared beautiful dark, dark, dark brown eyes. We were outside playing ball at the house where we were staying. Adanech went to the bathroom and after she was gone a while, she came out crying. With the help of our translators Anthony and Yosef we figured out she had gotten into my suitcase and took some of my food and was eating it. She was crying because she felt guilty, so I took her hand and we walked to our room. I picked her up and put her in my lap and we both wept. Not just tears running down our face, I am talking about truly weeping. I wept out of fear, out of sadness for my daughter who has had to fight to survive for so long. She wept out of fear while having no idea how to accept me as her new mother. There were so many emotions for both of us. I was so glad she let me hold her though. After our good cry together(which we have gotten so good at doing that together), we went out to play ball. That was two years ago.

I am sick with bronchitis right now. Saturday, I was the worst and Adanech stood at my door crying because she wanted to care for me. She is full of compassion. She wanted to hold my hand and do anything I needed. She loves me!!!!! and I love her!!!! Two years ago God placed her in my lap as my daughter. I am so blessed!

Back to our first days in Ethiopia:

I had not slept in days (no joke). I was just too excited to get to my babes. The flight had been hard and I was sick with sinus infection so, I was so tired. Jake took all the kids to eat with our friends while I stayed back to take a nap. It took a while to fall asleep and it felt like I had just closed my eyes when I heard some far off wailing. I knew it was one of my babes. I jumped up and when out to the driveway to find my Abreham standing by the vehicle screaming. I said frantically to Jake, what happened?!?!? He said, "Yosi told Abreham he needed to quit demanding from me and say please. Abreham did not like that idea so he thought he would just start screaming. He wanted his back pack but would not say please." And so began our first screaming fit.

Adanech was telling him to stop as she also tried to get the back pack from Jake and give it to Abreham. Yosi kept telling Adanech "all he has to do is say please." So later (THREE HOURS LATER!!), I was in tears. Jake, however, holding strong. He held Abreham in his lap on the ground while Abreham screamed so hard he vomited all over Jake. Abreham finally relented and produced the long-awaited 'Embaka' (Amharic for 'Please') and Jake gave him the Backpack. Then, as if transforming into a completely different boy, he uttered in a very sweet voice, "Papa," and wanted Jake to hold him some more. That was the first of many screaming fits. But, now (two years later), and my boy never screams like that and says 'please' all the time. He is such and joy and as the time goes on I see fear releasing from his sweet eyes and being replaced with trust and love. I love this boy.

Another memory from our days in Ethiopia:

I am holding Petros who has a fever and can barely hold up that head of his. He smiles all the time but, often has the far-off look in his eyes; like he is not even present. He does not walk well and his run is something else. We laughed so much at him and even through all of his sickness he had the best sense of humor. He is still is the funny man. Petros would often lay his head on my shoulder and softly sing. Oh, how I loved it. This little boy was more then ready to jump into our arms and trust us.

I will never forget being at the Embassy and the lady was telling Jake and I that once we signed these papers we could never return these children for any reason. Abreham was laying on the floor screaming because he wanted another kids toy. Adanech was mad at the other kid that would not give Abreham the toy, but just as the lady said this, Petros leaned into my face and gave me kisses on both cheeks soaking me with his snot (keep in mind he had just cracked his head open on the ground). He kept smiling all the while.

Although I was scared to sign those papers, Petros' love gave me courage. Although Petros was sick when we got him, he is such a healthy boy today. He now has one of the strongest immune systems in the family. When we all get sick, he's rarely gets it. I love this boy and he loves people so deeply!

We so often hear these words:

"You adopted them? They are so blessed. They are so lucky you gave them a chance on life."

But here's the thing: We are the blessed ones. Has it been hard? HECK yes! The hardness and the struggle has brought us closer to Christ. What a gift! We as an entire family have learned so much about compassion, trust, love, endurance, patience, selfless love and more love. We are a family because CHRIST has done a miracle in all of our hearts. Christ has taken us to places that were not possible on our own. Christ has broken us, picked up our broken pieces and restored them. Christ has shown us how beautiful it is to be broken and how much clearer we can see His face in that broken place. I cannot imagine our life without the adoption. I don't want to know myself without this gift of love.

So I pray,

"Keep breaking us Lord. Use this family for Your glory. And although we can breathe a little easier two years later, don't let us get too comfortable. Don't let us stray from You God. Thank you Jesus, thank you for all You have done."

Cry Wolf...(all talk)

The love of my life that has stood by me each day pointing me to Christ.

Love my family!

Me telling Adanech how much I love her and how hard our road has been but she has grown so much!!

We have cried many tears together.


I could not wait to get bikes for Adanech, Abreham and Petros. This is one of the first things we did when we got home. It took Abreham all of one day to learn to ride his bike without training wheels. Petros loved his trike but, he was not about to peddle it. He just wanted to be Fred Flintstone. Adanech would get on her bike (even with training wheels) and be very, very scared moving very, very slow. Almost every day she would say to me, "mom, I wish I could ride my bike like Abreham and Marya. I want to be brave like them." I would tell her that I would take the time to teach her and if she'd listen to me and do what I say that she would learn. The next day she would say let's wait one more day. The next night as I put her to bed, she said with a pouty face, "I wish I could ride my bike without training wheels."

So after weeks maybe months of this I said to myself, "we are doing this!!!" This is just how I do it folks. So, I told Addie, "Babe we are doing this. I will stay up all night, but you are learning how to ride your bike." As she started to cry, I said, "look at me, trust me, obey me, and we will do this." Jake came out to help as well. She was screaming and crying so loudly that the neighbors were coming out to see what was happening. I had not even let go of her bike yet. When I would let go of the bike she would fling herself into the bushes or the grass. I would sternly say "listen to my voice, keep pedaling, trust me, trust daddy." Well, after hours of screaming (or Ethiopian wailing as we call it), she learned and was so happy. She could not stop hugging me and thanking me. We made a huge step forward that night in our relationship. It was dark outside and as we were together, I kept telling her I will not give up. "Lets keep going", I said. I questioned if I was doing the right thing over and over. It was a beautiful night for us; full of drama, but a huge breakthrough.

My turn:
Years ago when we started this adoption process, I would sit with God and dramatically tell Him how much I wanted to love Him and learn about Him. I told him that I wanted to need Him and wanted to walk by faith and to be uncomfortable. I had no idea what I was saying. I would sit outside daydreaming of what it would be like to rescue an orphan. How wonderful it would make me feel...hmm. How happy they would be...hmm. I would be out for a run and tell God I want to know you more, my life is so safe. I don't want to live in such a way that I don't need you. Where are you God?
God said "yes my child, I hear you and it is coming."

And so the progression went:

God: "First, I want you to open your heart a little wider and consider adopting older children."

Me: "Ok God let's do this!! I am a little scared here but I want this."

God: "Second, I am going to give you a chance to say yes to two boys......., oh wait and a girl."

Me: "I am starting to feel uncomfortable and I am not sleeping well and my fear and anxiety is taking over."

God: "Here we go my child. Can you trust me can you look to me. Do you believe I am who you say I am."

Me: "I am doing some Ethiopian wailing in my heart and flinging myself in the bushes often at this point.

God: "God says read my word and trust me."

Me "I am insane from my own sin of fear and anxiety. This is not fun anymore!!"

Here we go...

I'm holding my new children in my arms. I am shaking with fear, and as I look in their eyes I see you Jesus. I see you like never before. I wanted this Jesus but I cannot breathe. I can't stop crying; my skin is crawling and I am so scared. When I look at Adanech I feel like a little girl. I cannot sleep or eat. But, Jesus says, "you will not live on bread alone my child." Adanech willingly showing me she does not want me as her mom, willingly showing me she does not trust me, willingly hurting me. Jesus, my sin is ever before me; this hurts so bad and my pride is blinding me. Jesus says, "I am giving you a chance to love here, my child." To love with nothing in return except hurt. I am looking for any chance to bail. The grass and bushes look great. I don't even care if there are thorns, let me off this ride. Jesus says keep pedalling!!

I continue only by the grace of God. I continue with compassion, with tough love, continue hugging and praying with her. Late nights, broken hearts, and miracle after miracle, our hearts bond; and the love is so great it hurts.

Jesus has let me flop around in my own stinking sin like a fish out of water, crying wolf. I wanted so much of Jesus, but didn't know I would have to pile drive my face into the ground to see Him. He has taken my hand and pulled me out of the water as I was drowning, trying to save Adanech on my own. He has proven Himself to never lie and to always be faithful. He has shown me the sacrifice of His love. He has shown me the beauty in being uncomfortable.

Today, two years into holding my daughter, Adanech and I have great respect for each other. Walking down a road that is foreign to both of us, we've become a team, learning to love each other more every day.

Last week, I had just finished school with the kids and fell on the couch with my face down (yes, I am dramatic... not sure where the girls get it?!?!) I felt sweet fingers in my hair and I looked up to see my Addie, smiling sweetly at me. My heart melted. On friday, she walked by me and whispered in my ear, thank you for adopting me. What?? my heart skipped a beat. I said, "my pleasure."

Thank you Jesus for answering my prayers! I will ask you again. I want to know you more.

OMAHA

OMAHA here we come!!!!!! So everyones first question is are you excited? Hmmmmm is a country girl excited about the city, Hmmmmmm? I am excited that God changed hearts. I am excited that God brought unity. As always God is faithful and will continue to teach us about His love and His grace and our desperate need for Him. As my dear friend Kathy says, Aslan is on the move. Omaha was not even on our list of places to move but God answered prayers and here we go.
We do not have a house yet. We are looking and as soon as we find one we will move. Where will we go to church? Not sure. So many unknowns but we do know that we are moving to Omaha that is one big step.
As we have struggled through so much pride and vanity as we have tried to choose a place to move God has really been teaching us that we are not home yet. We should not even try to create heaven here because we will fail.
Matthew 6:19-21

Good Hurt.

It hurts, it hurts so bad! All my sin and fear causes so much hurt!

It brings up feelings that I remember from junior high. Insecurities that are so ugly. I push everyone away in an attempt to keep myself safe from all the pain of saying goodbye and not wanting anyone to love me so it doesn't hurt so bad. Not wanting to owe anyone anything. Just pushing through life one day at a time desperately trying to live today. As I feel all this so much is revealed about me. I am dependent on friendships and love to feel safe and I am not dependent on Christ to feel safe and secure. Oh how that reality hurts. THank you Christ for this realization. I have moved many times and felt this many times and thought about his many times and God so patiently continues to teach me that He is enough, His grace is enough. He can be my dearest friend.
me: How will I love my 10 year old daughter who needs so much when I am so empty.

God: I will supply the love Psalm100:5

me: How will I make new friendships when I am so guarded?

God: I will be your dearest friend and I will fulfill every promise. John 15:13

me: I am scared to let people into my crazy life.

God: Their is a friend that sticks closer then a brother. Proverbs 18:24

me: How will I make my children feel safe and excited when I am so tired and scared?

God: You will find your rest in me and repent of your fear and walk in faith. Hebrews4:3, 2Cor. 5:7, Isaiah 41:10

me: Nothing around me is stable and I don't trust anyone.

God: I have proven myself true and I am the rock that you can stand on. Proverbs30:5

So that is the conversation I have with God sometimes many times a day. He is so faithful and I am so not. My prayer as that through all of this I will come out on the other side knowing Christ more and more humble. May my pride and expectations be destroyed. My I trust the One that is worthy. So here is to our tenth move in ten years of marriage. Not sure where we are going but so thankful that God does know.

It hurts, but this hurt is good if I look to Christ.

Redemption.

I have been thinking so much lately on the adoption of older children. What is so hard about it? Why is it so hard? Why do so many run from it? So many questions so many thoughts. So many statements people have said to me that break my heart. Here are some of my thoughts.

As I dreamed of adopting from an early age I dreamed of adopting one baby at a time. Hearing so often how hard it is to adopt older children I never even considered doing it myself. Little did I know, God was knowing my thoughts and knowing that HE was going to change everything my little mind was thinking. So here I am today and have adopted three older children. God is so good and so faithful and knows exactly what we need. I am so thankful to be on this journey.

Redemption-deliverance;rescue

Questions and statements I have thought on and want to write about.

Is it easy to bond with an older child? Have you bonded with your new children?
So much bonding happens in infancy when you are holding and cuddling and feeding. It is an entire new ball game when you adopt an older child that is not as cute as a baby has bad breath when they scream in your face and are mean often. What do you do, you just keep loving and by loving i mean tons of affection and tons of discipline. And when you are annoyed and your heart is broken you just keep loving. When you do not want to hug them, you hug them. And when your feelings are hurt, you pursue them as Christ pursues us. And in that bonding happens for both sides. Christ has shown us so much about our rejection of Him and how He continues to scoop us up and pursue us with the purest love. THank you Jesus! Redemption. And in this the miracles start to happen the bonds start to come and you learn about unconditional love that makes your heart ache so deeply it is hard to breath.

I have heard often, I would never adopt older children. That is a hard one to swallow gracefully, but I understand the fear. I understand that fear of the behavioral issues and the trauma and the hardship. I do live them every day, but I also live the miracles and I don't want to be anywhere else. I understand the fear I feel it so deep there are times I cannot sleep. But in those times I call out to Jesus because no movie no food no friend or family will bring peace just my dear Savior. He will bring peace and I will know Him more and I will love HIm more. He knows my fears and He destroys my fears with His truth. I say adopting older children is hard but parenting is hard whether you ever adopt or not. When Christ adopts His children they are not perfect little sweet babies we are full of issues that he patiently parents us through and disciplines us and loves us. He is consistent and loves us unconditionally. What a wonderful Father. Thank you Jesus! Redemption.

I have often heard, I would never adopt out of birth order. Once again I understand that statement. Without a doubt this is what God had for our family and although I would not have ever chosen this, God did and I am so thankful. My goal is to teach my children that their identity is not in birth order or skin color or talents but in Jesus Christ. God has poured out his mercy and grace on this very issue. THank you Jesus? Redemption.

Will you guys ever adopt again? I hope so. That is up to the Lord.

People have said, Can you believe how hard this is? Can you believe these are the children you cried and prayed for so long before you got them. Yes they are and I would cry and pray for them all over again even knowing what I know now. God kept me awake at night the entire process giving me a reality check to what we were committing to. The spiritual battle began long before I held them in my arms. I don't desire freedom from this calling. My only desire is to know Jesus more and that is coming through some great struggles. Thank you Jesus! Redemption.

I cannot tell you the joy in my heart when Petros tells everyone we meet that I am his mama. Some of you may have a hard time imagining what our family is like. Well we are just a family. Those of you that know us and have spent time with us know that we are just a family.

This was a very difficult weekend with Adanech. And as we were working through so much and I was hurt and angry, angry at her past, angry at her birth parents, angry at her behavior, angry at my frustrated self. But as Jake and I prayed together and with her my heart softened and as I held Adanech in my arms and prayed with her I kept thinking, Thank you Jesus. Thank you for allowing us to be her parents. Thank you for pushing me in this way. Thank you for teaching me to love in a way I didn't think was possible. Thank you for rescuing Adanech. Thank you Jesus! Redemption.

I cannot help but think on how Christ has rescued me and delivered me. I am overwhelmed with His love and His sacrifice. I would not know it like I know it now had we not walked this journey. I want to know it even more. I firmly believe that we find Christ when we suffer with Him. I have never experienced God in this way in comfort or safety. Give us courage Lord to step out of the boat.

Now with all that said, that children have come so far. My angry, manipulative, traumatized Adanech is learning to be truthful and she smiles almost all the time. she loves hugs and loves to give them. Although she has so much pain, she is learning to love and accept love. My screaming scared naughty Abreham, is so loving and giving and never screams with fits anymore. He is often scared but a few hugs from mom and dad and he is peaceful. He just needs to be reminded that he is our son. My sick sick Petros is healthy and moving forward in every way. He loves so much!!! God has done so many miracles and in faith I believe that He will continue to heal the hurting hearts of my babies. Thank you Jesus! REDEMPTION.

love love
Jen

He whispers, it is all for Me.

Finally!! I am writing an update, it has been over six months I think. Many joys and sorrows in the last months.

Adanech- My oldest, my beautiful, my daughter that daily takes me to hard places and makes me cry out to God for His wisdom. As Addie has grown to trust us more she has shared more about her past and it is full of extreme trauma. It scares me, it breaks my heart and as her mother I carry her pain and it drives me to my knees. She still struggles with authority and trust and she is a full time job and I am often very frustrated, but God has given her to me and I trust Him. I say out loud often throughout the day, sanctify me Lord. I often hold her face and say I am committed to you and you are my daughter, there is nothing you can do to change that. The fear is overwhelming and at times I truly believe the lie that I cannot do this and Jesus whispers, it is all for me. This is not for you and this is not even for her, this is for Me.

Marya- I remember as a child when I would be giving my mom a hard time she would say, someday you may have a daughter like you and you will know how I feel. I would think, great that will be awesome! Well..............???? I do have a daughter like me and she is hard hard hard and I do love her. She loves hard, she gets angry quick, full of drama and loves the outdoors and animals!! She wears me out!! She is still very patient with her sister as I daily have to spend much time shepherding her heart. She is encouraging to her. I had to explain slavery to Adanech for the first time and both girls teared up. Marya ran to Addie and said, you are my sister forever and I love you so much. I love that you are brown, you will never be a slave. It made Addie smile through her tears as she was trying to figure out why anyone would be a slave based on color. I struggle with fear as I think of raising Marya to adulthood, but Jesus whispers, this is for me.

Abreham- So much progress with this little guy, who started our life together kicking and screaming. He is moving forward emotionally and he has no anxiety with food at all anymore. He still loves loves to run and play outside. We still have far to go but I love watching him heal. We watched video from Ethiopia this last week and we have some of him screaming and he says, mom I do not like that. He is very difficult in school, meaning he has a very hard time understanding and remembering and listening and I spend most days trying to stay calm and patient while I want to rip my own hair out with frustration. And then Jesus whispers, it is all for me. This is not for your enjoyment, this is for My glory alone.

Ezra- Just as I write his name I start to tear up. He is such a joy in the midst of all of this. He is sweet and quiet and does not demand. He comes quietly to me and hugs me and kisses my cheek. He will say mom, I love you. It is like he can tell when I am struggling. He is also so funny and just like Jake, peaceful and corny!! He loves school and smiles as he learns new things. He dresses in very funny things and I love just letting him do his thing. He is obviously not perfect but overloads me with joy each day, I cannot get enough of him. Jesus whispers, this is for me. Find your joy in Me!!

Petros- Oh Petros, what do I write about this boy!? He continues to grow and get big and he is so heavy. He loves people and is very affectionate and each day looks at me and says mom, me love you, mom, you pretty. His speech is getting a little better but it is still very hard to understand. He still falls all the time but seems to be getting stronger and to be able to run faster. He also just lately has very little anxiety with food, which is huge because he had so much anxiety at every mealtime. He is still delayed but he is a miracle. I get frustrated as I want him to move forward more quickly but it is going to take a lot of time and patience and sanctifying on my part and Jesus whispers, this is for me.

Jesus whispers, I love you enough to daily push you to death of yourself. Death to my flesh, death to my selfishness, death so I can find true joy and contentment in my Savior. This road is so hard and I am constantly falling on my face, it is not pretty what is coming out of my heart. Some nights when I am tearful and scared and wanting to run from all of it (especially homeschooling) I remember my dream of living a life that was daily pushing me to total abandonment of being a mother to the motherless. To willingly walk into very dark dark places with my children that hurt so bad. To choose to love them even when I do not like them. To be able to see God work because I know that this is an impossible task for me. I am selfish, unorganized, def not a teacher, so I get to see God do miracles!! As scared as I get and as tired as I get, I would rather be doing this then not doing this, if that makes sense.

Jake, is still the most amazing father. He is a champ each day and is so full of grace and love. our children adore him and he is making a difference in their lives. Leading them to Christ and teaching them His truth and love, not only through his words, but his life. Jake also loves that he has five kids that are always laughing at his jokes!! Jake and I continue to fight for a Godly marriage and I mean fight for it. We got to go to Lake Tahoe for our ten year anniversary with our good friends Josh and Katie Reynolds. We got married in the same month and were in each others weddings. We had a great time and it was good for us and a good break from the kids. We split the kids up to three different places.

As Jake and i struggle in our marriage and continue on in the fight, Jesus whispers, this marriage is for me. I sit back as I write that and take a deep breath. It is so peaceful to remind myself of this truth. My life is not my own, my children are not mine and my marriage is not mine. I can trust the One that is worthy of all our worship.

love love
Jen